I'd Rather Have a Bottle in Front of Me Than a Frontal Lobotomy

Is the title of a song by Randy Hanzlick, who is (or perhaps was) a real live medical doctor who writes (wrote?) songs as a hobby. This particular song was printed on a 45 in 1980 in a run of about a thousand, but is now available on a larger scale as a track on Dr. Demento's 30th Anniversary Collection, which is where I'm getting my information from.

The interesting thing, and the reason that I bring it up at all, is that I just found that same quote attributed to Tom Waits, who apparently used the line in a TV show in 1977. So it would at second blush appear that this line, like all great lines, originated with Tom Waits.

But wait! There's a comment on this page which would seem to indicate that Dr. Hanzlick came up with the title of his song indepently of Fernwood 2 Night. But then again, according to that source, Dr. Hanzlick "saw it written on a bathroom wall," which is suspiciously similar to a quip Waits made about the origin of the line in the interview linked above. Will we never extricate ourselves from this labyrinth of minutiae?

Perhaps the important point is not who said it, but rather that it was said at all. Perhaps the phrase expresses a truth of such fundamental importance that both men gave voice to it completely independently. Yeah. Dig it.

This Is Chicago

The big news in my life is that I just moved to Chicago. This is how I knew I was there:

The Man on the El

I was riding home on the el with my friends, when a man tapped me on the shoulder, and this is what he said:

“Hey, man, wassure shirt say? I would… kill everyone in this… room… for a drop… of sweat beer… Hom… Homer… J… Simpson… Yeah, man, thaz what I’m talkin bout. Thazza fine shirt. You okay.”

Our new friend sat down right next to us. He wore a small goatee, a beat up sweater, and blooshot eyes. As it turned out, he had a lot of things to say, and he said them many times. What follows is a selection of the parts that I feel are most relevant, and that I could also understand:

Race Relations

“White power, baby. Fuck those niggas, what the hell, what the hell they doing. I’m not wanting to offend anybody, you know, but for real, white power. High five, man.”

The man was black himself, and we were glad that the other people on the train were all wearing headphones.

Like the mantra of a devoted swami, he chanted along to the station announcements at every stop.

“This is Clark. Diversy is next. Doors open an the right at Diversy.”

“Standin passengers, please don lean gainst the doors.”

Except he usually missed that one.

Politics

“Y’all know George W. Bush? I luuuv him. I’m not tryin t’ offend y’all or anythin, but if I was a woman, I would have his babies. George W. Bush, Bush Sr, Dick Cheney, all them, I want to get down and dirty with em. If I was a woman I would fuck George W. Bush all night long, know what I’m sayin? I’m not tryin ta offend, that’s just the way I feel. They could do me in the ass, man. Course I’m jus sayin all this, I’ma married man.”

“Doors open on the left at Division.”

Women

He noticed that a couple of people in the group were girls.

“Man, women are the best, y’all know what I’m sayin? You gonna take me there, girl? Take me there!” snap snap

His fingers were more than a bit crusty, but for all that he could snap them very loudly, and he did, many times. The sound was made louder by his fingers’ proximity to our faces.

“Take me there, girl! You gonna take me there?” snap snap

The girl he was talking to: “I don’t know where we’re going!”

“You don need to know; you jus gotta get there.” snap snap

He was going somewhere. None of us knew where, and we didn’t stay to find out.

My train has just begun a five-year layover, and I for one can’t believe it spent so long tooling around the south. Chicago is the best place ever.

“Standin passenger, please don lean gainst the doors.”

Special Thoughtful Note

That all really happened. I didn't have to make up any of it. I'm sorry if it offended you. I thought it was hilarious.

Sangria

I've spent too much time talking about how awesome Macs are recently, so this post is intended to return the discourse to another subject near and dear to my heart, alcohol. Specifically, sangria.

Sangria is a drink that comes from Spain originally. It's like fruit punch, but with booze. I make it pretty often, and people seem to think it generally tastes okay, so I'm gonna go over the recipe I use. It'll be fun.

First, these are the things that go in sangria and some preliminary rambling about them: wine, fruit, sugar, orange liqueur. That's it, actually.

There's more wine than anything else in sangria, and usually it's red. Sangria made with white wine is called sangria blanco, and you need to put different things in it. Don't fiddle with that shit. Red wine is the way to go. You don't need to get amazing red wine; you're going to dump a bunch of sugar and fruit juice in with it, so if it doesn't taste perfect you'll probably never notice. You probably want to shoot for something fruity rather than dry. I've used Cabernet Sauvignon, Cabernet Merlot, Merlot, and I think some other things to good effect. Something like Shiraz or Chianti is probably not the sangria wine you're looking for. Actually, Chianti might work pretty well. I should try that. Yellow Tail is great for sangria.

On to fruit. As with everything in life, fresh is always better. However, I have found (through countless hours, selflessly spent, of experimentation) that using bottled orange juice and lemon juice in lieu of freshly squeezed tends to not make a huge difference in the quality of the sangria. On the other hand, you absolutely should use fresh fruit to make fruit slices to put in the sangria.

Some chefs, such as Emeril Lagasse, recommend the use of a top-shelf liqueur such as Grand Marnier to flavor your sangria. Mr. Lagasse may be an outstanding chef, but he is a piss-poor drunkard, and I assure you that the subtle and delightful features of Grand Marnier or Cointreau (which presumably justify their top shelf price) will be completely drowned in a sea of wine and fruit juice if they are used in sangria. All you care about is giving the concoction a little orange-flavored kick, and for that a seven-dollar bottle of triple sec is your best option.

You also need to make sure you get a big pot or pitcher; you'll end up with about 2.5 L of sangria if you follow the instructions. And that's it for introductory rambling. Here's the recipe.

Ingredients:

• 1.5 L red wine
• 1 c sugar
• 1/2 c water
• 1 c orange liqueur
• 1 apple (Granny Smith is good)
• 1 orange
• 1 lemon
• lemon juice
• orange juice

Procedure:

1. Put the water in a pot, and put it over medium-low heat on a stove. Let it heat up a bit, then stir in the sugar. Heating the water simply ensures that all the sugar dissolves easily. Once the sugar is all dissolved, dump this in your big pitcher.
2. Cut the apple into chunks, the lemon and orange into thin slices. Dump them into your big pitcher.
3. Pour some lemon and orange juice into your big pitcher. If you're doing the freshly squeezed kind, you probably want the juice from one lemon and one orange. If you're using prepackaged, you probably want a bit more than that. Guesstimate.
4. Dump the wine and liqueur into your big pitcher as well.
5. Stir.
6. Let it sit for a while, preferably overnight. I'm no chemist, but my college roommate was, and he assures me that during the time the sangria sits, magic happens to make it taste better.
7. Drink.

That's all there is to making sangria. Give it a shot; don't even worry about sticking to the recipe. Sangria, like your mother, is very flexible. In the words of Cole Porter, quoted here from Box, Hunter, and Hunter,

Experiment.
Make it your motto day and night.
Experiment
And it will lead you to the light.
The apple on the top of the tree
Is never too high to achieve,
So take an example from Eve,
Experiment.

I think it is the funniest thing in the world that Box, Hunter, and Hunter use that quote to preface their textbook on statistics and experimental design.